Love All That Therapy!

So I had my head therapy yesterday, an OB appointment this morning for a med check and Physical Therapy for my knees Tuesday night and tonight. Ugh... That's like, $100 this week in co-pays alone. But, I do love my therapy time out of the house!!

My knees are finally getting better as I work on strengthening my muscles. Also, I went to the orthopedic doc last week and she drained 27cc's of fluid from my left knee and gave me a cortisone injection so I feel like a physically new woman. When I saw my therapist yesterday, we talked about switching my meds (I am on Zoloft now but since they upped my dosage to 100mg I have been having a lot of side effects) and starting EMDR therapy. I will start the EMDR next week, around something fun to get a feel for how it works, and I am excited about it. The way she explains it, it will quickly work through the root of all the bad, resentful feelings I have towards the triplets (like not having wanted them, them having ruined my personal life, etc.) and make the bad memories and feelings I have seem better than I remember them so I can put them to rest, move past them, and start here and now with a clean slate. In other words, not feel guilty about my feelings and how I treated them in the beginning and how I feel towards them (then and now) and move forward with accepting and loving them. She said it will bring up a lot of old, raw feelings that may still be unresolved from my past or my childhood which I will have to deal with right then in order to move onto the next thing but I am willing to do what it takes to get rid of all this guilt and resentment. I am beginning to actually love my babies and feel bad that I hated them for so long. Or maybe I feel personally responsible for not recognizing the signs of post-partum depression and getting help sooner. My therapist says I am completely valid in my feelings because I wasn't ready to have a baby, let alone 3, and that takes time to wrap your head around for anyone. Because of my PPD it just made everything that much more difficult to deal with and kind of snowballed so now I have to work backwards to fix it all. I am not looking forward to the day when I don't go to therapy anymore. I love her and she makes me feel so much better about everything. For instance, she brought up a point I had never even considered, that some people are just not newborn people, while some people love the newborn/baby stage. It made so much sense I felt stupid for not having thought of it myself. I like Gwen so much more now than I did when she was an infant and I'm sure as she gets older and more complex I will like her even more. It's probably all part of my personality but I just didn't have the ability to see myself from that perspective. I was under the false assumption that all mothers are supposed to instinctively just love their children unconditionally, whether they were accidental or not, and that I was being selfish and bratty for feeling otherwise. I will get through this PPD, this transition as a mom of triplets, and I will love all my kids. YAY!!! Hoorah for therapy!!!

On a somewhat related note, my OB switched me to Lexapro. Hopefully I will have better luck with the Lexapro because it's not in generic form and costs like 7 times more than the Zoloft (figures...) so I want to make sure I get my money's worth. LOL

My kids have been rambunctious, cranky, snotty, sneezey, coughing little hellions this week and I am ready to drive off a cliff. I did start my period today though, like a week early (WTF!?), so that could have a lot to do with my bitchy mood. Holden looks like a ripe banana - if social services were to see him they'd take him from me for sure. Nice bruises, huh? Check out that piece of tissue (not sure where he found it) stuck to the snot on his upper lip. I'm sure he was trying to eat it when he lost it in the boogers...

Also, they are climbing. Really climbing. Look at these little shits!:This is not Holden's first time climbing up into Gwen's chair. He did it last week too but we were so freaked out we just grabbed him without taking pictures. This time I was giving Nora her bottle so I had a sec to snap I pic before I threw her to the ground to rescue Holden. She must have seen him do it though and thought it looked cool because she was the next one climbing up there. Son of a bitch!
I swear they will be walking by Christmas. And then we will be completely fucked. I am not looking forward to it. In fact, I have SuperBibs and gates on my Christmas Wish List. Pathetic. What happened to diamonds, cute pink electronics and clothes??? I guess I'll see them again someday; when I'm 50 or so. I guess on the bright side, I have lost 12 pounds in the last month (finally!), but who has time to eat when you're herding 4 kids all day long?

Okay, South Park is on and now that I vented for an hour I feel like I just left therapy and I need a butt. LOL