No Exaggeration, I Tell You No Lie... The Smell of My Feet Made Nora Cry

Seriously. It was hilarious...

For some reason, my kids have foot fetishes. The only one who hasn't shown signs of this is Tess. I don't know where they get it from since neither Tony nor I have a foot obsession, but I guess it's better than some of the other things they could be into (well, they are only 3 and 10 months... we'll see what develops, LOL!). So far none of them shit on each other, dress in furry costumes, or any other extreme weirdness, so I guess feet are okay in the grand scheme of things. So my kids suck on our toes. Nora and Holden, specifically. Gwen used to do it but now she's only into shoes. (Phew! Normal woman behavior!) It's winter, and because my feet are always freezing, I am likely to have socks on. Which is nice to help keep the kids at bay and my feet warm.

Because we're forced to the basement living room for the duration of the winter, and because my old slippers were worn through, I got a new pair of slippers from LL Bean that were the cat's meow when I first got them. They were warm and cozy and stealthy. Ooh la la, right? WRONG! As I stated, I am a person whose feet are always cold. They never sweat. They never stink. But I swear to GOD that these slippers have grown stink on my feet that I didn't know existed without fungus. I even e-mailed LL Bean to ask them if they were machine washable (they are suede with fleece lining) and explained my predicament. They said no, they aren't washable, but maybe could try sprinkling some baking soda in them. WHAT? Are they fucking serious?! I mean, I live in my pjs and slippers - these are my work shoes, technically, and what I thought were high-quality $40 slippers. And they aren't washable at all?! And the only solution LL Bean customer service had was baking soda?! I would be better off rubbing shitty diapers in them to get rid of the foot stink, but then I'd be squishing my feet into poop all day. My old slippers were from LL Bean and MUCH nicer and they NEVER smelled AT ALL.

That was 2 weeks ago or so and the stench is just getting worse. I have no choice besides hanging onto them because I can't afford another pair of slippers and my feet are always fucking freezing. Endearingly, they have become my personal science project. I am hoping to send them back to LL Bean after spring. HAHAHAHA!!! Could you imagine their faces in receiving when they open that box?!?! If it makes it all the way there without being intercepted by the government. Ahhhhh... LOL

Back to the point of my post... The other day the weather was mild so I was wearing the slippers sans socks. As my feet started to get warm, I kicked off the slippers (I do try to curb the stink growth, for every one's sake; God forbid anyone ever just "stop by" while I have them kicked off though) and put my feet up on the ottoman. Nora waddled over and started playing with my toes, as just the sight of them drew her to me like a magnet. She then licked my big toe. The face that followed was priceless. Pure confusion and disgust all at once. She kept smacking her lips for a minute, trying to get rid of the sick in her mouth, no doubt, and then went back for a sniff to see if she was crazy or her Momma's feet were really that scary. Then she started to cry. She cried, dropped to her bum, crawled away, turned around, sat up, looked right at me and yelled at me, "Eeeehhhhhh!" I roared with laughter and by the time I was done giggling about it she had moved onto something else but will no doubt be traumatized for life. I wish I had it on video. It was that good.

The silver lining? Good bye foot fetish! :)