The Worst Hour of My Life? Doubtful; But It's Right Up There.

In the last hour, seriously... I got the kids up from their naps at 2:20 and it's 3:27 now, the following took place:

• I changed 4 diapers (no biggie; par for the course, right?)
• I rinsed out 4 sippy cups and refilled them with the appropriate amounts of delicious, fresh formula/milk.
• In putting away the two gallons of whole and 1% ,milk, I pinched my right ring finger between one of the milks and the topper to the fridge door interior compartment, completely skinning my finger from the nail to the first knuckle.
• I yelled a plethora of curse words, hopping up and down while squeezing my fingers in my other hand, and saw only black.
• I mumbled something to Gwen about having to go to the bathroom for a Band-Aid and please be good.
• I washed, dried, used hydrogen peroxide and got a Band-Aid for my finger before hearing the slams of sippy cups on hardwood and the giggles of glee.
• I ran into the kitchen yelling, "Stop! STOP! STOOOOOOP!" at the top of my lungs to find exactly what I'd imagined: milk puddles and wet milk-footprints from the fridge, past the oven and sink, all the way to the dishwasher, while Nora and Holden slipped and fell in the slimy mess.
• I took away all the sippy cups and screamed at Gwen to, "Get the fuck on the porch, God damn it!" while simultaneously seeing red, feeling my blood pressure rise into my ears and slinging babies through the doorway onto the porch so I could lock them on it and clean the floor.
• Muttering the most colorful of language, I paid no attention to the screams and cries of my kids on the porch, while I dug out the Swiffer Wet Jet.
• I ran out of Swiffer Wet Jet fluid.
• I choked back tears.
• I looked into the window between the porch and kitchen once Nora finally stopped sobbing, only to see that she had a bloody nose.
• I almost died of guilt.
• I swept Nora up, checked her over for serious injury, thought I must have scared her so much with all the screaming and swearing that she got a bloody nose from the mental trauma, and took her to the changing table to clean her up with saline and wipes.
• I put Nora back on the porch and finished cleaning the kitchen floor.
• I opened the kitchen back up on the condition that my kids will never ever again use silicone soft spout sippy cups and gave them their milk back in hard-spout sippies.
• Gwen threw a temper tantrum for her pumpkin, which was in her bedroom. I sent her to retrieve it by herself.
• I decided maybe a snack would be appropriate to make the kids sit and be good for a minute, now that I was starting to calm down. I grabbed the Cheerios from the cupboard. The box opened as I was getting it out, raining Cheerios all over the kitchen.
• I got the broom out and started sweeping up Cheerios, wrestling them away from Gwen and Tess.
• I pulled out one of the bins from the Little Tykes toy chest and dumped a cereal-bowl mound of Cheerios in it.
• Gwen emptied out the bin of Cheerios onto the rug.
• I gave up and sat down to blog it all out.
• I realized that Nora's bloody nose was clearly from a slip and fall injury, must've been in the milk, because she also had a fat lip and a knot on her forehead.
• I almost died of guilt.
• I noticed Holden standing in the window between the porch and kitchen just in time to watch him fall like a log out of it, and am still shaking off the sound his head made when it hit the hardwood.

We're lucky that we are all alive. Everyone seems to be enjoying Ni Hao, Kai Lan, and drinking properly from the new sippies. I am periodically checking for blood and signs of concussion. And I'm thinking of taking up heroin. Or at least Xanax. I hope that's it for today... *fingers crossed*

Much love,